what my cat told me

Recently, my cat has taken to peeing on all the mats in the house, and pooing just on the outskirts of his litterbox. I can only describe this behaviour as spiteful and delibterate. He is probably taking revenge on us for something we don't even know we did. Also, he is probably plotting to kill us in our sleep, if only to prove his superiority once and for all.

This is of course, perhaps fittingly so, the logical continuation and mere extension of the collapse of what I know to be my life. I have only recently come upon the epiphany that my life is going nowhere - though of course my cat, having already known this long before I have, has took it upon himself to inform me with the destruction and defecation of my family's property, perhaps using this as a metaphorical way of "taking a shit on me", so to speak.

The hazy days pass in a self-imposed stasis of sorts, the will to move forward bounded by an all-powerful inertia. I have become the proverbial immovable object. I did not know it then, but in retrospect I guess it stopped after my A levels. For me who does not know what I want to do in life, the sudden braking and consequent standstill that followed enlistment meant that I would no longer be dragged along by the unstoppable force of studying and the accompanying requisites of activities social and intellectual.

The endless routine of weekday bookins and weekend bookouts disturbed only by the vague notion of social obligations fulfilled and forgotten then revisited in the archives of facebook. This is not a life. It cannot be a life, if only because I reject it, if only because I want something more, if only because I need to know something more exists.

I am balanced on a pivotal point in life, a small thin edge precarious and deadly. In this I find the true meaning of vertigo, the sense that my entire life is hanging in the balance of whether I can make the climb forwards or fall backwards down the slippery slope to my inevitable death and destruction. It is the feeling, the premonition, perhaps the sudden clarity of epiphany, that shiver down the spine of knowing something that you shouldn't, the sixth sense, the sudden realisation of the truth, of being unplugged from the Matrix for the first time, of seeing past the veil of ignorance, of seeing the figures and not the shadows on the cave wall.

It is the knowing that if I don't change now, I never will.

***

So. Starting today I shall resolve to make certain changes to my life. I have already started the forward motion, ever so slowly, in small steps. What I really need is a rocket boost forward. I can no longer afford to crawl, I need to leap, to run, to fly.

What I need is to die. And hopefully, live again.

it's all one big konspiracy

Ok so it has been 2 weeks since the Invisible Children video went viral. For those who do not know what or who the Invisible Children are obviously you do not have facebook. Or twitter. Or the newspaper. Because 2 weeks past it was platered all over my news feed. At first I was like, what's this? Then I realised it was some charity thing, and there was this super long article and in the end I was like, tl;dr. So I'm apathetic about these things. So sue me.

But really. What I really wanted to say is this: so you've watched a video and suddenly you're a social activist? When did that happen? Or is it now 'trendy' to be one. I mean, I don't mean to sound like a total asshole (though by giving this qualification it does mean I will sound like one) but seriously when did everyone start caring? I mean, nobody gave a shit and suddenly everyone does?

You might say that the video only went viral 2 weeks ago, and that's why everyone only knew about this like 2 weeks ago. But the video was made in like 2005. How is it that nobody cared about it then? Also. Before you give me the crap about the internet only discovering it now, let me say this. It is not as if you did not know that Africa was fucked up. I mean, Africa has always been fucked up. Mugabe has been there since like 20 years ago. And cmon whose parents didn't tell them about the starving children in Africa? It's the number 1 go-to example on fucked up places in the world. Mainly because it got fucked over so badly by everyone else.

When I saw the shares on facebook, one word just came to mind. It starts with a H and ends with an E and has ypocrit in the middle. I mean, it's just so convenient isn't it? You can share the video, share the article, and suddenly you're a social activist too. But what I'm trying to say is this. If you don't care enough to even research it, please don't act like you care. Because what I'm seeing now is that a week after the video has gone viral, suddenly everyone is saying maybe Invisible Children's interests aren't aligned all that well with Africa's interests. That maybe, just maybe, they're a bunch of profiteering bastards. I don't know if there is any truth to this, or maybe these are baseless accusations. I didn't bother to find out myself, mainly because I can't be bothered to give a fuck about this whole incident. But what I know is this: everyone has stopped sharing the Invisible Children propaganda on facebook. And that's it really.

Even caring can be a fad now.

***

A few weeks back, and this is pretty old news, March's issue of Singapore's FHM got pulled off the shelves thanks to some complaining Christians. I know, I know, everyone is probably going, 'so what's new?' because once again the Christians have put a premature stop to everyone's fun. Apparently there was a sensitive article about who could be Jesus 2.o in our world today. Now I have read the offending issue and article. And to be honest it was funny. Not really in a HAHA kind of way but it was worth a chuckle at least.

But here's the question: what are Christians doing reading FHM in the first place? Especially Christians so sensitive as these that their sensibilities are affected by a mere joke about Jesus Christ? I get that joking about one's absolute truth can be pretty unfunny which is why you don't joke about religion, certainly not in places where religious people are likely to see. Which is why it begs the question of what are these Christians doing reading FHM? I mean, they aren't the sort of Christians who don't go to church on Sundays and can joke about their Lord and Saviour. No, apparently not. They're apparently staunch believers who cry out indignantly when their religion is poked fun of in the mildest manner possible. It wasn't even a poke, more like a slight glance and nod in their direction. So they're offended by this and not by the scantily clad girls inside? I mean, doesn't God say somewhere in the Bible that lust is a sin? So what the fuck are they doing reading FHM? When it comes to double standards, Christians really take the crown. I've said this before, and I'll say it again, it would be better for all concerned if Christians would stop being Christians and be Christ-like instead.

And for the record, I read FHM for the articles. No, really. Anyway, it's quite a library we have in camp. I mean, when there is nothing to do, reading megazines is a pasttime as good as any other. We even have Woman's Health and Cosmo (don't ask why). One afternoon I just thought to myself, it's quite a sight to see an entire bunk of boys reading Men's Health and ogling at FHM. And then you hear the excited exclamation, "I'm getting married!" of a bunkmate playing Harvest Moon on his PSP.

That's when you know we'll all be single forever.

yer olde treatise to mirroring on the interwebz

When I was in secondary 4, I wrote a 'column' of sorts on my class blog then. I called it the 4K show, and it would be written in a manner consistant with that of a talk show. I think it still can be found on the archives of my old (dead) class blog. I have no idea why I am writing about this. I guess I just missed it. Both the blog and the class.

***

Mirroring in psychology is the behaviour in which one party attempts to copy another, usually while in social interaction. This is brought out predominantly in face to face conversations, where the participants will either consciously or unconsciously copy one another's actions, gesutres or even ideas and habits. They will adapt tone, attitude, accent, choice of words, and even concepts and ideas that they know consistant with the other's views. The most common example of this for Singaporeans especially is when people speak with ang mohs and they adapt this fucking annoying accent. Just thinking about this makes me feel like slapping someone.

Mirroring is practiced not just in face to face interactions, though it is most common there, but online as well. In fact, it is much easier to mirror someone online. And also much creepier. If you really think about it. But of course you yourself may be guilty of online mirroring. It's ok. I think.

One of the most convenient things about being online is that you could check almost anything online. This is great because that means you are effectively the smartest man in the world. When your crush talks to you about say nuclear fission or Kantian ethics, you're suddenly an expert on the matter. Similarly you probably know all about John Grisham and every novel he's written, and you know all the recent movies, songs, fashion trends. You are quite literally the most interesting man in the world. Whatever conversation topic s/he has, you're prepared for it. She talks about it, you receprocate, and you all have an wonderful conversation. Of course out of the comfort of Google and Wikipedia, your face to face interactions may suffer with your miniscule intellect and minute spread of subjects.

Given that everyone's lives are now pasted on the internet, it is not hard to 'stalk' (it's not really stalking if it's there for the whole world to see, right? right?) anyone. I mean, just spend a bit of time on their facebook, and you'll know where they've been last night, and maybe if you follow their twitter feed dilligently you'll know the kind of activities they're into. If you bother following what news they read, and maybe read their facebook comments or their blogs, you'll also know his/her views, from religious to political, and you may even find out their stand on Spongebob and Patrick's relationship, gay or nay (for the record, for anyone who might be interested, I think they're just bffs. bro-fuck-friends). This then is an easy form of mirroring. You can just parrot back whatever views they espouse to make it look like you think the same way. Because nothing builds rapport so easily as when you're the only two people in the world who stand up for pedophiles. Of course this tends to give the trouble of not knowing whether the other party has volunteered this information to you, and you may look like you know more than is socially acceptable. Because despite the fact that everything is up on the net, it is somehow 'wrong' to read it. Doing so would amount to being creepy. And we can't have that. Pfft.

The problem nowadays is that people post their whole lives on the internet, but they act all shocked and violated when you read it and talk to them about it, as if they did not expect you to know that. I mean, please, it's pasted all over my facebook feed, how would I not know?

And another thing, while this has nothing to do with mirroring at all, love it how it is so easy to converse on the internet. Anything can be conveniently answered with a lol or haha. It is damaging to real life conversation skills, but who talks in real life anymore? Also, on another side note, it is impossible to message someone online whom you don't know in real life something that would make you appear uncreepy. Regardless, I think I am gonna give it a shot and try to court someone online. 'Hi you look damn chio so I added you on FB' doesn't quite seem to cut it, so I'm thinking of spearheading with 'A/S/L?' or 'Hey wanna cyber?'.

***

Recently, the Jospeh Kony and Invisible Children thing went viral, and everyone is sharing that shit on facebook. I was playing SWTOR the other day and some guys on general chat were talking about it.

Dude 1: i don't get it so why must we kill kony?

Dude 2: BECAUSE INVISIBLE CHILDREN SAID SO. NOW SHUT UP AND GIVE THEM ALL YOUR MONEY.

This for me summed up the whole thing. At the risk of sounding like a total tool, I'll post more about this next week. For now, BOOK IN.

hanging out/ down the street/ the same old thing/ we did last week

It is the common consensus that the gamer, being the social recluse, shuns and avoids engagements with the world outside. That is, he prefers the virtual, that pale imitation of the real world. But then, what is real? Is it that which we can see, hear, touch; that which we can empirically experience? If so, then the virtual is just as real for the gamer as the phenomenal for you and I. For he has seen the sights and sounds of Hyrule, and has experienced it as intimately as we experience walking down our own streets. Had he not explored every single nook and crany of Azeroth? Elsewise how would he have unlocked the particular achievement and title of World Explorer? And who said Liberty City, Vice City and San Andreas were not part of the USA? No, for the gamer, the virtual is as real to him as this world is to us.

There is also something to be said about his social life, or lack thereof. The gamer does not wish solitude. In particular, the Mass Multiplayer Online Role-playing Game (MMORPG) player does not wish solitude. In fact, he yearns companionship, and this is most commonly betrayed by his constant cries of LFG. Three simple letters, an acronym with a multitude of meanings. For the MMORPG player, he understands the importance and benefits of companionship. Note that this does not mean he understands the social fabric nor the workings of social interactions that form society, it merely means he understands that companionship is paramount to his very survival. Therefore the rallying cries of LFG, one of the meanings being looking for group, already betrays his desire for companionship. Because he understands that we are greater than the sum of our parts, that together we can achieve more.

The second meaning of LFG then further betrays his yearning for more, looking for guild. Not just a temporary fellowship, thrown together by chance and convenience. But a full-fledged family, with bonds of kinship and comraderie. The MMORPG player understands the importance of a guild. He understands the social contract he signs and enters when he joins a guild.

Most importantly, even if the gamer himself does not know it himself, is the third and last meaning of LFG - looking for girlfriend. It is perhaps the ultimate betrayal of his life in solitude, and his self-imposed societal exile. But it is the yearning is rooted deep in the heart of every gamer, the feeling that something is missing. It is the feeling of wanting something more.

***

For the past 3 days I've been on off from the army, and I've done nothing but play SWTOR and watch That '70s Show episodes.

This is the life. (Don't think about learning driving and doing uni apps. Out of sight out of mind).

they say that in the army

I think the question that everyone in the army has asked and been asked before is "What will you defend?" And it is a relevant question, if only because no one quite seems to know the answer.

A while back (this is pretty old news), someone captured a photo of a warrant officer sitting in the MRT playing his PSP. This is not the first time someone has done this, nor do I have the feeling it would be the last. The photo was captioned something like this (I quote from memory), "Can someone please enlighten me, SAF personnel can sit on the train?"

Sometimes I think people forget that SAF personnel are human too. I find it ridiculous when people post these kinds of photos with these kinds of questions. It is actually small wonder that when NSFs are polled if they would fight for this country, most of them don't really want to. I mean, between our foreigner population and citizens who are constantly ribbing our soldiers, what is there to defend, really?

Then there is the SAF itself. I think part of the problem is that SAF itself perpetuates the idea that our soldiers are robots, and can be treated that way. What I mean is this. It is understandable that SAF wants its soldiers to be regarded seriously, particularly because we are a conscripted force, because we need to project the image that we are capable and proffesional. Mostly because we are an unblooded force. We have never been battle tried before, and as such cannot boast of any victory or success in that field. This is why SAF discourages videos or photos compromising the image of its troops.

On the other hand, countries like the USA don't really care if their soldiers are seen singing, dancing, or whatever. In fact, while I wouldn't go as far as to say it is encouraged by directive, it would be prefered if their soldiers are seen doing such things. It makes them human. It shows that they're not mindless killing machines. Their soldiers are respected, if only because it is politically correct to do so. They are honoured for what they would do and sacrifice for their country.

And you ask why Singaporean males complain so much for their service. I understand that we are obliged to do so. I also understand that no soldier should be honored for doing what is expected. But when the time comes, the question you should ask yourself is, are you worth defending?

fuck

fucking fuck fuck fuck
fuck fuckity fucking fuck
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

***

YES THAT IS A HAIKU. DEAL WITH IT. So glad I took lit now.

a teenage love letter

There is something I need to tell you. You probably already know this, but please, at least just hear me out. I'm about to reveal my hand, and without even looking at it, I know it's a pretty bad deal. But my chips are already on the table, so at least let me go all in - and before you call me on my bluff, please, let's just take this to the river.

Let me just say it - though I think you already know - I like you. There, it's out there. I like you in the way that a boy likes a girl. I like you more than the fat kid in me likes food, or the nerd in me likes video games, or... or the kid in me enjoys playing with Legos. I like you in the way that every morning when the Sun rises I just feel so glad that it shines upon a world that you exist in together with me, and if what I just said wasn't poetry, then fuck it, I'm not a poet anyways.

I won't go as far as to say the other 'L' word, if only because in this day and age it is taboo to even mention it, and also because it seems to have become reserved for the trivial and meaningless, like shopping, or food, or... handbags. But suffice to say, I like you. Probably not in the way of Shakespeare, romance has since ceased being so extreme, and we of today no longer 'burn', 'pine' nor 'perish'. If we do, it is frowned upon - a kind of stalker esque desperation, not so much romantic as perhaps creepy.

But enough with the metaphor and analogy. I know that the odds are stacked against me. But please. Put all these excuses and reasons aside, I just want to know if at any time during my doomed venture there was any hope - any hope at all - at succeeding, at scoring that million to one homerun, goal, whatever cheesy sports metaphor you can think of. For if there was, or if, dare I say it, better still, there is a chance, I beg you to ignore the warped cruelty of reality, and just toy with the delusions of this fantasy. Just allow me to like you, and allow yourself to be liked. That is all I ask of you.

Put aside reason and logic. We are teenagers, and consequently the world revolves around us, and our concept of now. The present is everything, nothing else matters, and if it does, we just don't give a fuck. We live for now, for the present. We live for the romance of the moment. And for now. For now. For NOW. For now, I like you. I really, really, really like you.

***

This is a work in progress, and as such is incomplete. I just felt like posting up what I had so far. It is still rough around the edges, but still readable, I think. Or at least I hope so. I'll work more on this another time.